www.hufferamusements.com
I've always struggled with my weight. Being blessed with hips and a bust early on, I began to have major body image issues before most.
In junior high, I can remember having to dress for PE with everyone else. Thinking back, of course, no one looked good in culottes and a t shirt. But, I was convinced that at 5'6" and 130 pounds I was zaftig.
Huge, in fact.
Then, public high school rolled around. The "thin" girls in choir that I hung with were all size 0 and below. I was an 8.
Lord, I was fat in my eyes.
Being brutally honest, I wasn't so concerned that I tried dieting. Not that I can remember, at least. I loved me some carbs and sugar. thankyouverymuchpassthebakedpotatoes
My first year of college, I did put on enough weight to be "large". I see it looking back at pictures now, but, as luck would have it my freshman year at LIFE I joined the volleyball team and got my butt kicked in workouts.
Instaslim, eat all the cafeteria food you want. thankyouverymuchpassthepeas.
By the time John and I met (I was 22), I was comfortably 20 pounds overweight., To prep for our wedding, and to look greatly amazingly wonderful in the 500 pounds of satin and trim that was the early 90's, I lost 40 pounds.
He hated it.
I remember the week before the wedding he told me I could stand to put on 10 pounds.
Wouldn't most women DIE to hear those words?
"Really, honey. EAT SOMETHING."
I thought, no, I was fat.
By this time, I was 5'8 and a size 3/5.
Huge.
I know.
Fast forward 18 years or so, a kidney removal, two c-sections and a hysterectomy later and my weight was toast.
I had gone from being a girlie girl with my hair and nails done, to a slob. Who didn't care.
At. all.
I went though times of caring, I did. But not enough to do anything long term about it.
Even starting dialysis didn't kick me in the behind enough to make a commitment.
It showed in how I dressed, maintained myself (or rather didn't) and came across in my overall attitude towards myself.
Finally last October I'd had it.
I was ready to lose some weight.
The first month was great. Weight rolled off like melted butter on a big ole lumpy biscuit.
Then, long term set in.
I found that I could manage what I ate and not feel deprived.
A year later, I'm down 100 pounds from where I started.
Granted, having major surgery in September and it's aftermath took off the last 25 pound like a rocket.
But, I'll take it anyway I can get it.
Thing is,. being honest with you again, I didn't feel thinner. I saw the same person in the mirror. The fat girl. The unlovable one.
John and I talked about it at length. He would say "ad nauseum". Well, I talked, he listened. He's not a big talker. When he says something it's worth hearing. And he wasn't talking.
So, knowing him as well as I do (note sarcastic tone), I took it to mean I was fat. And totally on base with my feelings.
Yeah.
I know.
I watched the number on the scale continue to fall, yet wondered how I still looked the same. Wore the same clothes. The same size.
Until today.
I had an epiphany.
Sitting?
Are you?
I
looked
in
the
mirror.
Seriously.
I really looked.
I realized that the "same clothes" now hang off my body.
The biggest shocker / eye opener came when I through on the only "girlie" clothes I own. And they slid onto me. The last time I wore either of them they were snug. Now they flow and hang around me several sizes too big.
Also.
I cut 5 inches off my hair this morning.
At 3am.
When I couldn't sleep.
And it looks amazing! Perfect new length.
I'm cute.
(Inserting the truth to keep it real- I still need to lose another 50 pounds. But heck, I'm 2/3 way to goal!)
I had a girlie moment today.
And my husband said the words "You're not fat anymore. You just need to tone up while you lose a few more pounds".
God. Love. Him.
Now I want more.
More girlie clothes that look great and not just hang on me.
My birthday is coming up in January and I want to be at 199.8 or lower. Do you KNOW how long it will have been?
Embarrassingly too long.
Jonathan has become very involved in weight lifting through school, and has promised to be my personal trainer. He was tickled to death today to have me put on his hoodie (Men's Small, thankyouverymuch) and he zipped it up.
Granted, it was tight.
But. it. zipped.
All of this is to say, I'm reclaiming- Me.
The Me I've lost over time.
The Me I've missed.
The King's Daughter.
Princess.
Recent Comments