It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted, except for the little dental emergency we had.
The past few weeks have been hard. There have been setbacks on all fronts. Emotionally, spiritually, physically.
Normally, I'm a roll-with-it-things-will-get-better person. My faith, my foundation, stays solid. I bounce. But, I've been dealing with more physical issues that leave me emotionally beat to a pulp. Withdrawn, cloistered, depressed.
The neuropathy is progressing to muscle fatigue and weakness in my legs. Not only is the tingling, numbness and pain increasing, but I've collapsed twice just taking a step. The second time was going down the steps in front of our house, I was too afraid to even try and get up. So, I just sat there on the ground.
Hopeless. It all just hit.
I've said all along that, for the most part, I can go about my day like nothing is wrong. Just live my life with a few adjustments. But the thought of losing my mobility scares me more than anything. I've just started to get active again- trying to take walks, ride a bike, things to get healthy.
The weight loss is going great- I've passed the 50 pound mark.
John's job outside the home has picked up and I miss him. I realize now how much I've depended on him to be here to help out. The thought of trying to run the house without running the kids into the ground scares me. They're kids. I want them to have fun. Be young. Enjoy every minute we have. But, then the house falls apart and I feel guilty about that.
We're still down to one car, since the head blew on my car in February- so the kids and I are here all day if John's working. Fortunately, we live in a remote and isolated, safe area so they can go take bike rides around the neighborhood alone. How I long to go with them, but fear something will happen too far away from the house with no way to get help.
As the visit to Mayo gets closer on the 27th, I wonder what outcome will come of that.
So much. Too much.
I need a break.
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