Control and Lessons Learned

Websters defines control as " To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct". Those the know me well may define me as the same.

I have an in-bred desire to control the things around -- my career, my teenagers, the weather, the way others drive around me ... the list goes on. I value knowing how things should go, to the point of finishing others sentences at times. These are things I am aware of, and work on constantly.

When life throws you a curve, like say, kidney failure and daily dialysis ... you lose "control". You are tied to a process 4 times a day for 45 min or so each, where you cannot do anything but sit and wait for it to finish - you cannot make it go faster, although I swear that focusing on it will in fact make it go slower. There are times when the dialysis fluid is draining out of that bag, that gravity itself comes to a stop and all downward motion ceases to exist within the walls of this house.

Travel becomes more difficult- and we are a traveling family. Not just because we have moved 23 times in 17 years (yes, we actually sat down and counted it a few nights ago) but we are day-trippers. We love to get in the car, kids, dogs, lunch and map -- and just go! We have seen alot of things we never would have stumbled onto on those trips -- and created more memories with the kids than we ever expected.

Let me count how many day trips we have taken since this started .. well, there was the time we ... no, that was in February ... oh yeah, we ... no -- that was in December. Hmmm - we haven't done anything day-trip-ish since this started.

Waiting for the results of a whole lot of blood drawn is not fun either --- what will be up, down, not changed, new meds. more meds, IV, oral --- change change change ....

I'm the organizer --- taskmaster ---- keeper of schedules, places to be and lateness-detererrer. The first to volunteer or go if I'm available. If there is free time to go see something new, I have the keys in my hand and a homeschool project in the offing ...

Until now.

We just moved into our new home - which sits on 20 acres on a mountain (thanks God!). However, after 23 moves, this was the first "stressful" move I've encountered. Why? Because I cannot lift, and I have no energy after about 1/2 hour. I had to "sit" while everyone else stepped up and packed, staged, moved, loaded, unloaded and organized. I had to "sit" and watch -- from the sidelines, and feel totally, completely, truly, deeply useless. I can honestly pack out a house in 48 hours - I'm that good. John is the loaded / unloader. That is our way, its the way we survive.

However, this time was different. If I could go help, then I realized I couldn't because I would have to be back too soon to do another dialysis exchange -- after lifting a small box, my anemia would kick in and remind me that I'm not supposed to do that by taking every last once of energy away from me in a heartbeat.

So, I sit alone in an empty house and get mad. Angry at the reason I'm sitting here, angry at God for not healing me in the 41 years He has had the chance to, angry that I don't feel better despite the large number of drugs I take every day, angry I can't swim this summer because of the risk of infection to the catheter, angry I can't lose weight because of the stupid sugar in the dialysis solution that seems to suck into me and double in caloric value every day, and then -- I realized something. I am useless - but,

I am loved despite everything.

I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me through:

Removal of a kidney
6+ mis-carriages
2 c-sections
Hysterectomy
Kidney Failure and Dialysis

And he loves me.

With every box he packs, lifts, loads and unloads to organize and put away -- he is showing me my value to him. That my existence here to him matters --- my uselessness is really in my head. He loves me and values me enough to step in and do it all - 18 hours a day, and not complain

My kids love me.

With every bag they bring, and exchange they demand to help with, they show that this process keeps me with them another day. They have been amazing through this whole experience and remind me that God is in control.

My God loves me.

I was not planning on going to the Dr., not this Dr. But I did, and he ran a test that showed us what was going on. He referred me to the BEST specialist, with the BEST team. I've met the rest of the practice -- I know this is a fact. Dialysis began well, no hitches, and my numbers have, for the most part, improved beyond anyone's imagining this early in the game. I have the perfect job, that allows me to work FT from home, with my husband, and pays the bills and carries the exact insurance I needed. God is in control -- not Kelli. God has provided the environment and the tools that are needed, at the right time (not my time) to make sure I am taken care of. I hold onto that fact that lives will be touched through this process; Heaven will be populated- because I sat down 4 times a day, for 45 minutes and gave up control of my life.

And, really, I think that is the key.

God only gives us what we can bear -- and right now, the amount that I have been given has truly brought me to my knees.

What I need to remember, is that is exactly where I need to be.